To you Kate Koehler

There you are. You. Yes you. The little girl that used to hug her dog when things went wrong. I said you had Tiger Eyes remember, when we used to eat cup ramen noodles in the high school doorway from white plastic bags? You said ramen with mustard tasted better and I couldn’t agree more. Going to Decades down on 10th Avenue when you told me to make up a “club name”, my first club. You were so smart, always understood everything in class and the fastest typer I have ever met. I could never keep up with you on AIM, MsMojoRsn, Jim Morrison and the Doors enshrined in your heart. Driving in your maroon Toyota Corolla, jamming to 2Pac songs, and making me spastic with giggles when you did crazy things...like that one time, putting on Bath&Body’s Juniper Breeze at a red light, then at the green light smearing the stearing wheel with thick white lotion as you turned. You let me borrow your car for three days and I was so scared I would crash it. I bought a car cover and covered it everyday, you know. Where did we even go in your car? Always driving, that was the best part ... I’ll never forget you, Dear Friend, rest in peace.

COLA SHOCK!

I forgot just how good Coca Cola and vodka can be, especially after a long day of English corrections. Can you tell what's missing?

A: Hello.

B: Hello.

A: How are you?

B: I am fine. And you?

A: I am fine.

A: You look hard.

B: I am very hard.

A: Shall I help you?

B: Thank you.

A: Can I ask you to go to YouMe Town?

B: OK. Let's go!

They forgot to put the word STUDYING as the thing that they are doing hard. AH! Kids, please be sponges and learn; if only you knew what you were saying!

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

AussieLand

Aussie Land
My mom’s song to my youngest brother Nico, was my first ever brush with Australia:
Kooko-baby sits in the old gum tree
Merry merry king of the bush is he
Laugh Kooko-baby Laugh Kooko-baby
Fun your life must be!
This song of fun and laughter proved to a be a harbinger of Australia to the core, as I realize that every time I happened to meet an Australian before going to Australia, it was in the context of some sort of party. With their cheeky comments and quick one liners, Australians seem quite proud of their devil-may-care attitude. Australia is the most random assortment of animals, people things that I have ever encountered, and I can’t help but think it is pure luck that it ranks number 2 in the UN’s Human Development Index. For example:

1) Did you know that kangaroo means “I don’t know” in a native Aboriginal language?
2) Did you know that the capital, Canberra, was chosen because of its location between Melbourne and Sydney to pacify their I-want-to-be-the-Australian-capital feud?
3) Did you know that Australia Day is actually a celebration of boatloads of convicts arriving in Sydney (1/5 of the population is reported to have a convict ancestor)?
4) Did you know that Australia has the highest rate of skin cancer in the world (I felt the sun was particularly strong, leaving a slight burning sensation)?
5) Last of all and my personal favorite, did you know that the first police force was a band of the most well -behaved convicts?

Roughly the size of the US with 1/14th the population, Australia has 6 GIANT states (Queensland, New South Wales, Victoria, Western Australia, South Australia, Northern Territory) and it is estimated that one in every four Australians was born overseas. Talk about melting pot, I believe that I heard every language ever spoken by man there and the diversity of the immigrants is matched by the diversity of the land. Australia is among the oldest continents in the world and therefore one of the most varied. I have heard it described as God’s way of making people laugh, with deliciously exotic-sounding animals like platypus, wallaby, wombat (not a bat), and Tasmanian devil. Australia has always been a dry land, and the native animals are well accustomed to it; kangaroos are able to go for months without drinking water at all. With 90% of the land flat and arid, it is in the death throes of supporting the non-native agriculture and erosion is continuing to eat up the belly of the country. The environment is a growing issue among Australians with the ecosystem glaringly unable to support the wannabe English countryside image, developed long ago by homesick convicts. With the introduction of those ever-breeding fuzzy bunnies and greenery terrorizing sheep, Australian non-natives have nearly succeeded in devastating their precious resources and it is estimated that since the Europeans colonized, 17 mammals have become extinct and there are more endangered animals than on any other continent. Even the “old gum tree” in the kookaburra bird song may soon become a thing of the past. The young city dwellers and die-hard rancher families are in the middle of an environmental-turned-political battle, fighting tooth and nail to strike a balance between conserving nature and maintaining the cattle-driving lifestyle that their ancestors have ever known. Water restrictions are in force and signs are everywhere, as the country is in a constant state of drought.

Baked Beans on Toast!?
In true get-over-it-and-live Australian style, despite the fact that England kicked out their ancestors, strong ties with England remain in their English-style breakfasts (spaghetti, eggs, toast and bacon, baked beans), English monarchy-honoring statues and even on their currency. Beyond breakfast, Australian staples of tea and scones, fish and chips, meat pies and wine, all have English beginnings, although the 20% immigrant population does keep foods vibrant and varied. Food prices are outrageous, as the constant lack of water forces them to import food and other goods that cannot be homegrown. We spent about $25 for just an average meal, and even grocery prices were pure robbery. Only my Australians in Japan insist that Japan is cheap, while the rest of us English-speakers disagree. That’s why I like to call them AustrALIEN ;)

AustrALIENS!
Australians have this OCD tendency to shorten everything to a cutesy name that ends in y. Like Aussie for Australians, names are Brownie (Ms Brown) brekky (breakfast) and named me Sandy (Sandoval).
I was accosted by random Australians when they heard my accent; they jumped on the chance to talk about America and Australia. American pop culture hegemony has infiltrated the rebellious Land Down Under and has left a strong, not generally positive feeling. Culturally, the news mentioned that Australians consider themselves another state of America, and America’s hot-button issues today become Australia’s tomorrow. Here is an example of a conversation that I had with a random Davy Crockett-looking character who was trying to make me laugh (Although, my Australian friends called him a tosser.) “Why can’t you Yanks speak English? For example, why do you piss in a bathtub? Well, why would you ask for a bathroom when what you want is a toilet? Why would you call it a restroom, because there’s not a bed in it? You are going to go to the toilet right? Why can’t you just call it a toilet?”
Now, I never mentioned anything to him about a restroom or a bathroom but he thought of all this on his own. This sounds harsher than it was, and he wasn’t “having a go at me” but this conversation highlights the strong, slightly jovial feeling toward America.

Aborigine Means First Inhabitant (nod to Japanese English textbooks)
While only there for two weeks, I felt the public outpouring of sensitivity towards the Aborigine. A recent prime minister apologized to the Aborigines for stealing their children and trying to raise them Western-style. This practice ended fairly recently in the 1970’s. If you want to put your fingers on the national Australian pulse, charitable feeling towards these Stolen Generations are in vogue and can be seen in art, news and homegrown movies, such as Australia and Bran Nue Dae.

Karucha Shoku aka Culture Shock
Although Australia is not my world, in a way, it is more my world than Japan. It was so nice to be in a reverse situation where I understood everything that was being spoken and they didn’t. I was the de facto translator throughout the trip, and didn’t realize how much Japanese I could speak. I was quite proud when the Australian teachers, thinking I was Japanese, praised my American-sounding English. Whoo hoo! I studied English my whole life.

My Top Ten List of All Things Culture-Shocking to the Japanese
These things were a never-ending source of entertainment for me.
10) Seeing the brightly decorated classrooms instead of the drab gray of dilapidated schools.
9) Seeing their surprised reactions to “Western-sized” portions and people. I am so glad that no one really understood Japanese, because the continuous references to size would be very rude in English-speaking culture.
8) Seeing their reaction to teachers drinking coffee, eating cake and having relaxed conversations in the lounge, instead of always being in a mad dash to pretend like they’re busy.
7) Seeing Australians’ relaxed custom of greeting each other and seeming lack of authority. Australian teachers don’t force students to scream good morning. A smile in the eyes, a friendly wave, or a “hey” is also considered a greeting, and standing on ceremony with “good afternoon’s”, and “you must be tired’s” was echoingly unheard.
6) Seeing an all school meeting with no exaggerated “Opening of the Ceremony” Ceremony and “Closing of the Ceremony” Ceremony, no school song and no bowing, didn’t allow them to know exactly when the ceremony ended and began, or how it was to be participated in.
5) Driving a car where the speeds are much higher was alarming for them and seeing them confusingly driving through roundabouts was alarming for me.
4) Seeing their reaction to wine at lunch, and driving after a dinner drink was shocking. I had forgotten that in other countries it’s ok to drink a little and drive.
3) Seeing the students taste freedom and watch them begin to rebel against the strict Japanese-style of management by the end of the 2 weeks. For example, the Japanese teacher ordered the students to mingle and waited for the same order from the Australian teachers, who instead waited for them to do it naturally.
2) The lack of a Japanese onsen (hot spring) was a never-ending complaint. A day spa with massages and wine does not equal a naked Japanese onsen.
1) Straddling the divide of cultural understanding, I was thrilled to see an Australian teacher try to get the Japanese to “socialize” by being chatty. Her very chattiness made her seem lonely to the Japanese, and their lack of chatter made them seem lonely to the Australian.

Goodbye

Goodbye. Especially to you, friends leaving Japan. I will miss you more than you know. It's just a dream, it seems so unreal, how can time have flown by so quickly? And yet it was an eternity. I don't feel sad, oddly numb... now slightly alarmed at my eyes, swelling and blurry and the deep shuddering breaths. My nose is starting to run. What can this be? How strange and annoying that I can't control my own body. But I have seen this reaction before in people that have been stung by bees. It has got to be an allergy. Clearly, I am allergic to goodbye. When I hear it, I become weary and the slightest touch of it makes me shudder. The smell of it is a pungent onion that assaults my eyes and nose and the taste of it is poison to my thoughts. It boldly infiltrates my defenses and sets a rebellion against my emotional authority. If I happen to come in contact with goodbye, I must immediately take a dose of anti-inflammatory medicine so that I can quickly control the effect. What is this medicine exactly? I will tell you a secret I learned long ago: the only medicine that works with goodbye is hello.

Tests tests tests

OK ok. I admit it. I am procrastinating.... on studying for yet another test. Is it just me, or does it seem like life is all about tests? I'm serious. Especially since I've been to Japan. There's the daily life skills tests [not an actual test ;) ], the Japanese Language Proficiency tests and ever present kanji tests, violin songs to be mastered and taiko drum levels to be passed, and now I am studying for the GMAT test that I will take in October. I really am in a country of test takers. What is all this testing for? Will it make me a better Japanese speaker, violin player, taiko drummer and b-school student? I don't know. But I know if I pass these tests, everyone else will think so. And....that's what matters....right?

Happy 4th of July!

Happy 4th of July! I made guacamole burgers for a Canadian and a South African. They stamped me with a seal of approval, because as a maker of good hamburgers, I must be American. How much do you know about America?

1) How many flags are flown over Washington DC on July 4th?
2) How many stripes are on the flag and what do they represent?
3) How many people are in the US now?
4) What two famous forefathers died on Independence Day?
5) How many men signed the Declaration of Independence?
6) When was the Declaration of Independence actually passed?
7) Who sewed the first American flag?
8) How many millions of hot dogs are eaten on the 4th of July?
9) How many millions of people lived in America in 1776?
10) When was the first Independence Day actually celebrated?


1)1200 2)13 original colonies 3) 306 million 4)Thomas Jefferson and John Adams 5)56 6) July 2nd 7)Betsy Ross 8)155 million 9)2.5 million 10)July 4, 1777

What is up with Colorado?

What is up with Colorado? I love my state and all but I feel like all I hear about are crazy people. I guess that’s all that there is in the news. But we certainly have our share of people that are well known in the world.
1. A guy who went to Afghanistan to shoot Osama Bin Laden
2. A woman who tried to be a terrorist
3. The Air Balloon Hoax
4. The shoe bomber
5. The church murders
6. Jon Benet murder
7. Columbine shootings
8. Approving marijuana$43 million slot machine mistake

Waste of Time?

The kids here live at school, I am not kidding, they might as well sleep here. You know all the time kids spend at school, even on Saturdays, right? Well, I can attest that half the things they do, I would consider a waste of time. Moral classes, constant school-wide meetings, chorus and sports contests that take weeks of practice on school days. School is like summer camp with subjects. The teachers are expected to entertain the kids almost every waking hour. When they go home, there is no time to do anything except attend cram school for a few hours, eat dinner at 9 pm with the family and maybe study. No wonder there is low crime and no kids wandering around thinking of stupid things to do. They are together almost every waking hour being “productive”. I think they are in school way too much, BUT if they weren’t in school they would just be latchkey kids because their parents are work WAY too much. So, in the end perhaps it’s better for them to be at school playing, than at home doing God-knows-what.

Moral Classes

Jen always says, “Japan is giving me morals.” I have to agree with her, people are so upright here; it puts America to shame, I am sorry to say. My conclusion is all those moral classes the kids have to take that seem ridiculous, must actually work. I had the chance to observe a moral class one day, when my school hosted an annual all county “teachers come and observe our school” type day. One girl stood up and wrote an essay about how she grew up, how this made her the tough girl that she is, and how she felt about her class where she had no friends. She talked about how people bullied her and how upset it made her for people to call her names. Afterwards the class was dead silent, for about 10-15 minutes while the kids stared at their desks and all of the 30 or so observant teachers watched them and waited. Finally, the class leader stood up and said, I don’t feel that way towards you, and neither does anyone else I think. Finally, 10 long minutes of waiting, 2 more kids stand up, and finally I felt the kids all staring at one particular girl. As a Westerner, I felt like the silence was deafening and would have done almost anything to just end the long minutes of silence, like make them write or ask questions or something, ANYTHING. Standing for 30 minutes of silence would test ANYONE’S patience. But everyone was silent and waiting patiently sent the kids a message that we were just going to wait until they were ready. Many girls were crying. It took the ENTIRE 50 minute class to resolve an issue, but the teachers were patient enough to just sit there and wait for the kids to speak. I was shocked when the bully girl finally stood up and talked. The two girls became best friends after that. I was glad that I got to observe the powerful way that Japanese style moral classes can work.

Pay It Forward is from Japan

Yesterday I was given a huge bag of about 25 pieces of bakery assorted bread. I can’t believe how generous people are! I am constantly getting carrots (I live in a town famous for carrot breeding), vegetables, candy, bread and chocolate. I have been given chopsticks, face towels, knick-knacks, blankets and snacks. This is like an everyday thing; I am not kidding. The day before I was given a bottle of wine. The day before I was given a collection of manga to read. I could probably name something everyday. When Nico was here, I gave him the loot (chocolate, bread, candy, coffee, cookies) that I couldn’t eat for lent. He thought it was incredible. I still have a couple boxes of candy/chocolate that I couldn’t eat. I also constantly giving things away, it’s catchy. Have you seen Pay It Forward? I think Japan made that movie.

Polite Tourette’s

I know this isn’t anything new, but I have to say it anyway. Politeness is annoying. Beyond the initial saying of it, I try to bow politely to the constant interruption of excessive good mornings, good jobs and excuse me’s. The final straw came when someone came up behind me, while I was running on the treadmill, and gave the standard, “You must be tired” (common greeting) and I had to grab the bar to respond almost tumbling off. I wanted to hit him. WHO does that?! Can’t you see I’m running here? I can greet you when I come into the gym and when I leave, other than that, stop circulating and greeting me every hour! Seriously! Suddenly, the truth hit me like a pack of sumo’s: it’s a massive outbreak of Tourette’s Syndrome. People just get this irresistible tic to constantly use the 3 standard greetings and simply can’t help it. It has got to be said at least once an hour. Now that I understand, that makes things so much easier for me to accept. How can I blame people when it’s simply an automatic reflex?

My first taiko performance!

China

If I could describe China in two words, it would be grubby exhilarating. (If I could describe Japan, it would be antibacterial polite). Grubby for the grime and excited pushiness of people, exhilarating because things are changing faster than China’s 90 kph taxi rides. I am not sure what exactly I expected to see there, except hungry children, lots of red, expensive tea, face masks and bicycles. China has always been a source of conflicting images in my mind; Tiananmen Square mixed with Kung Fu movies and Mulan taught me that communism doesn’t work, family and honor are important, beads of jade are for beauty and crickets bring good luck. I toured 4 important cities, Shanghai, Nanjing, Xi’an and Beijing, the last 3 of which were ancient capitals of China and each of which has major cultural influences. With that perspective, I will try to scratch the surface of the hidden dragon that is China (while singing Mulan).

For a long time we've

been marching off to battle
In a country slightly smaller than the US, with four times the population it’s no wonder that pollution is such a problem. The constant Matrix-looking gray sky was a grim reminder of the impurities I was inhaling (which has improved recently because of the Expo and Olympics). Students were half-jokingly running for cover when it rained because they were convinced it was acidic. The only blue sky I saw for the entire 2 weeks was in Beijing for one day. In an industrializing country, that is hardly surprising and I expect it will get worse before it gets better. Although, apparently the air used to leave a burning sensation in people’s lungs before the government clamped down hard. I saw hardly any face masks which was surprising considering Japan’s obsession with them (I think face masks are actually considered an accessory now, with all the new colors and patterns that keep showing up).

In our thundering herd

We feel a lot like cattle
The Ant Tribe is the generation of 80’s born non-brand-name university graduates stuck in a country that’s not ready for their talent. Hundreds of thousands of these hungry college graduates are holed up in bathtub size apartments trying to look for an ever-elusive job that suits their education level. Intelligent people swarming together restlessly with nothing to do sounds like a recipe for disaster/mass movement to me. Hopefully, China will PEACEFULLY solve the problem they created (by mandating a 30% university enrollment target in a giant social experiment to boost the Chinese economy). Churning out college graduates does not create more jobs, just like creating a product does not guarantee it will sell.

Like the pounding beat

Our aching feet aren't

easy to ignore
I was shocked at how active everyone is; I believe I saw all 1.3 billion people outside taking up every square inch of space (about half of Chinese are urbanized), exercising in old-people parks (I am not kidding, there were old people exercise machines in the parks), ballroom dancing, playing cards, singing karaoke, and a variety of group sports activities. In every park or open area I happened upon, gray heads were jumping around healthily, crowding out parent-toting children. People were very friendly and one old man even took me for a tango.

Hey, think of instead

A girl worth fighting for
I have never heard so many aphorisms that seem commonly used in everyday language. I learned many useful things in China, such as, “Don’t treat a tiger like Hello Kitty” or “Two tigers can’t occupy one mountain.” I learned that girls should drink soymilk everyday and guys should hold their purses. I have never seen so many lovey-dovey couples holding hands, carrying matching key chains, clothing and accessories at every tourist destination. There are 37 million more males than females, and believe me, the girls here know it and are working it. Case in point, there is even a popular cartoon (Xi yan yan) where a wife, wearing a queen’s crown constantly hits her loving husband with a pan, while he tries to do everything to make her happy. I learned that he is the perfect husband in China. It is a girl’s world, across the ocean from JapanManLand , as long as you don’t expect something too crazy, like a serious career. In China, I have been told that there are 3 kinds of people in the world; men, women and female doctors. Nonetheless, the women I encountered were very clever, and expressed their opinions well, which should be expected from Ant Tribe members.

I've a girl back home who's

unlike any other

Yeah, the only girl who'd

love him is his mother
I have never seen such huge-but-not-necessarily-fat babies, giant bundles of clothing and meat. Whatever do they feed you?! I don’t think I could hold one of those huge bundles of child; like a mini-Michelin man in blankets. Due to the One-Child Policy enacted in the 1979, children have never been such a source of pride. These little emperors can be found ordering parents around, who dote on their every whim. When I was there, a mini baby boom explosion replaced earthquake-dead elder siblings (70,000 people died in the Sichuan quake). Interesting to note that several men from all over the country were killing elementary schoolchildren in revenge to society, so there were armed guards at every school.

I couldn't care less what she'll

wear or what she looks like
8% of China is composed of 55 recognized minorities to which the One Child policy does not apply. These Middle-Eastern beautiful mixtures of Chinese have an unsavory reputation among Han Chinese, due to their poorer western economy and higher crime rate.

It all depends on what

she cooks like

Beef, pork, chicken

Mmm
I have never liked the greasy Chinese food that my brothers die for in Colorado. “Buck a scoop” of unknown meat has never appealed to me, and the sauces at restaurants have always turned me off. I was excited to learn that the food, although still greasy, was amazing. Every morning I drank a huge bowl of soymilk, yogurt-fruit drinks and a variety noodles and fried breads. People also eat tofu, congees (oatmealish) and other vegetabl-y things for breakfast that don’t vary much from any other meal. As I got my warm milk in the warped bowls down Bird Flu Alley, I tried to ignore a red chile floating in my milk from a prior tofu/chile eating customer. What made food more exciting was the fact that I really might get sick.. Coming from Japantibacterial, it made me feel daring and encouraged my appetite. At the airport, Jen and I were dying for Burger King’s Croissanwich (Japan doesn’t have Burger King) and were shocked to learn that there was no breakfast menu. As far as other meals, I particularly enjoyed Chinese dumplings, Peking duck (a bit greasy but made much better by tortilla-ish wraps), and handmade noodles (Did you know noodles can be grated like cheese from a massive hunk of noodle?). My biggest dare was (drum roll please) bullfrog, which tasted like slimy chicken (I spit it out at first in revulsion, until I reconciled my mind to the idea); I must admit I didn’t like it that much. I wasn’t that concerned over the guts, feet and other slimy sea critters on the menu as they are a favorite in Japan as well. As to other meats, I know what you’re going to ask, and no, I didn’t encounter dog or cat on the menu. Although, I did read in China Daily that rat is the new favorite, to the dismay of Chinese health experts. Oh, the price to be exotic!

My girl will think I have no faults

That I'm a major find
At a stated GDP of $6,600 PPP (who really knows, many things are so under the table) you can survive on about $1.50 a day on street food (ranging from 1-5 yuan or 15 – 75 cents). Clothing was about 100-250 yuan in Chinese brand stores ($15) and much more expensive at Western brand stores. The problem with buying Western name brand products is that no one thinks it is real, and even if the store claims it is real, it may not be. In fact, some vendors claim it doesn’t matter as long as you can’t tell; you’re still paying for the brand name look. It leaves no incentive to buy a real Louis Vuitton bag, since every shady man with a small briefcase is selling them along with Rolex watches. If you DO have the money to buy the real thing, you will pay more than you would pay in the US. Why? I don’t know maybe add-on fees in a country that is known for stealing ideas. Where there is plentiful labor, sewing machines and hungry mouths, there is opportunity and necessity is the mother of invention. There was a major cd/dvd crackdown when I left and you can’t help feeling sorry for the desperate people who get their backpacks of fake Terracotta warriors taken away by rough guards.

How 'bout a girl who's got a brain

Who always speaks her mind?

Nah!
As you know, I generally don’t care overmuch about tourist sites, but China has quite a wealth of amazing sites.
In Shanghai, I saw Yuyuan garden and the Expo pavilion area (the Expo wasn’t open yet). We took the Magnetic Levitation train (Maglev) to Nanjing, which took about 20 minutes going 300 kph.
In Nanjing, Dr Sun Yat-sen’s Mausoleum, Confucius Temple, Xuanwu Lake, Nanjing Massacre Museum. In Xi’an, the Terracotta Warriors, Big Goose Pagoda, Big Mosque and City Wall.
In Beijing, I saw the Summer Palace, Temple of Heaven, Tea City, Tiananman Square, Pearl Market, Bird’s Nest, Water Cube, the Great Wall, acrobat show and the Forbidden City.
I think most of the buildings were the same thing over and over. I felt myself asking if that was the same palace I had just visited before with the same 2 royal colors, red and yellow, and pied piper procession of 9 animals on the rooftops (only the emperor can have that many). The Forbidden City should stay forbidden, since there is nothing to see anyway that you can’t see after peaking inside for 5 seconds. I know I know, it is a cultural iconic thing and blah blah, but I swear it was like walking into one of those mirrors that have the same image that goes on and on forever. Watch The Last Emperor and you will see the best of the Forbidden City. The gardens and architecture in southern China are gorgeous and I enjoyed their 3D effect. I loved riding tandem on a bike down the ancient Xi’an City Wall and getting a boat stuck in weeds in front of yelling fisherman in Nanjing. My favorite part was hanging out and mixing with the locals who were vivid and giddy with the expected rise of income and prestige of their country.

What do we want?

A girl worth fighting for!

Thai LAND!

When I heard about the BIGGEST WATERFIGHT IN THE WORLD, in Thailand during Thai New Year (called Songkran) I knew it was fate. The Songkran (New Year) water fights began as a blessing, a sprinkling of water from older people to younger people, and somehow in the sweltering 100 degree temperature, morphed into a giant 3-day waterfight. Talk about stamina. Thousands of people in the streets running around with super soakers and throwing buckets of undrinkable water at each other FOR THREE DAYS sent a shiver up my spine; even the thought of having to throw toilet paper in the trash couldn’t stop me. One full day turned out to be plenty of water fight for us, and getting soaked within minutes of leaving our tour van or hotel made the trip doubly exciting. You never knew when you were going to get hit, and EVERYONE was fair game. People were driving around with umbrellas and full plastic suits. Even in the countryside, far away on our all-day “elephant / orchid farm/ ox-cart/ long-neck village women” excursion, we were hit with water. My passport has water/ink stains everywhere and I had to take immense pains to dry it and squish into its former shape. I guess that’s what I get for not using a brand name Ziploc bag! Anyhow, I should give some Thai cultural background before I continue.

Thailand, formerly Siam, is a country that I could only imagine from seeing movies like, “The King and I” and “Brokedown Palace”. I wasn’t too sure about what was there exactly, besides exotic animals, glittery buildings, illicit drugs, underage prostitutes, and fabulous reviews from other travelers. Other than being world-famous for silk and elephants, Thailand also holds the Guinness Record for the world’s longest place name: the capital, Bangkok’s full name is (drumroll please): “The city of angels, the great city, the eternal jewel city, the impregnable city of God Indra, the grand capital of the world endowed with nine precious gems, the happy city, abounding in an enormous Royal Palace that resembles the heavenly abode where reigns the reincarnated god, a city given by Indra and built by Vishnukarma".

There is only a 2-hour difference between Japan and Thailand, which I discovered on the first day. I got up, bright and scruffy, at 6:30am, got down to the dim lobby, filled with attendants sleeping on the hotel couches. I was really excited to eat breakfast, whereupon I was informed that it was only 4:30 am! This made me instantly tired, but I decided to read a little, before I had to wake up the girls to let me back in the room (They key needs to be put in a special slot to operate the lights, so I thought it best to leave it in the room). I was chomping at the bit to use Thai, having downloaded Thai dictionaries, podcasts and travel phrases, but alas they didn’t understand me unless I spoke English! I think they don’t expect people to try at all and were genuinely surprised when someone tries to speak to them in Thai. It was good to have the map and some directions printed out in Thai since they couldn’t really understand English, only basic phrases and bargaining. A fair amount can speak at length about their specific trade interest (our elephant driver could answer “What’s the elephant’s name?” but when I asked “Where are you from?” he had absolutely no idea)

There are two airports in Bangkok one for international and one for local (same as Japan), so it is important to pay attention exactly which one you need to be at. The baht is their currency (worth 33 times less than the dollar – aka multiply by 3 and take off 2 zero’s, so 300 baht is $9). So it makes it easy to think you’re spending less than you actually are. It’s relatively easy to find transportation that can be bargained down (or up, depending on how good you are at bargaining) as everyone wants to drive tourists in order to earn a little extra under the table. It cost about 200 baht for the 1/2 drive to our hotel. Tuk Tuks (Taxi’s with a Thai twist- resemble golf carts) were a bit more expensive, but I found the most entertaining form of travel The hotel people understood English and were able to speak quite fluently. All in all, I spent about 320,000 yen, which is about $330 and was able to get my eyelashes curled (300 baht), buy gifts and alcohol, eat at expensive places (for Thailand), go on an all-day tour (900 baht) and all transportation costs. If I didn’t buy gifts or go to expensive places (Pizza Hut was a whopping 350 baht for a medium pizza – Jenn REALLY wanted non-Japanese pizza), I could do a week on 200,000 yen ($210) easy. The normal price range for food is 50 – 100 baht.

Thailanders adore their king and his face plastered all over the place, in taxis, on bridges and even fire hydrants! The beloved king has been instrumental in bringing the boiling political environment down to a simmer throughout his 63-year reign (the world’s longest serving monarch). The red-shirt protestors were very tame when I saw them, and the common working Thais that I encountered seemed very supportive of them. The clashes with the government are about as peaceful as Thailand can make them (being dependent on tourism) and the gov’t closed the surrounding businesses/malls early and well before any government clashes. In general, the Red Shirts (common working people) support a more socialist government that was elected and ousted by the Yellow Shirts (business owners and supporters of the royal family), a few years ago. Red Shirts want fresh elections and some want the old government back. Both types of Shirts have thousands of followers, and though this year the Red Shirts took over a parliament building and TV station, there have been surprisingly few deaths and injuries. The Red Shirts` deadly clash last year taught them a few lessons and this year they are much more organized. When I was there, the government clashes were limited to certain areas and both sides tended to avoid tourists, although richer areas have been blockaded by the Red Shirts costing those businesses thousands as the weeks drag on. Thailand was operating in a state of emergency when I was there, and as the weeks drag on without a resolution, the tension and violence has been escalating. Both Shirts are determined to have their say in the Thai government, and I think a bigger clash between the two Shirts is inevitable.

Political tension notwithstanding, Thai people were very friendly, it’s not called the Land of Smiles for nothing, although I must admit that nothing can compare to Japanese service. People are very pushy for you to help them by purchasing their wares and I found it hard to refuse them, considering they get by on about $8,600 (PPP) per year. Bargaining is a national pastime, for example, when a taxi driver didn’t turn on his meter, I started to get out, but when he dropped the price (which was cheap either way) and said, “Please help me” I couldn’t resist his plea. We got caught up in about 5 different scams while we were there, although we were too cautious (and on an economy budget) to get taken by any, although we didn’t realize they were scams at first.

Scams in Thailand are very well planned and oiled machines, organized to take thousands of dollars from tourists in gem, silk and other various scams. These complicated schemes are massive (Burmese) gangster-related operations. Here is how they did it to us (I felt like I was in a Mario videogame trying to evade things that wanted to take one of my lives. Mario background music was in my head the whole time)

1) Smooth-talking Thai picked us up en route to a popular tourist destination and offered us a really cheap Tuk Tuk Thai taxi (golf cart- ish) ride.

2) Told us that the site that we were going to, is being cleaned for Thai New Year and they would take us to 3 other tourist sites, and including the Lucky Buddha (etc) site for a couple of hours til it was done being cleaned.

3) Convinced us that although the price is abnormally low, the gov’t is compensating them in some way to help tourism. Got one of his henchmen to take us in a Tuk Tuk immediately.

4) At the temple, an unknown VERY friendly person approached us, spoke very good English and told us the best place in Thailand to buy tailored suits. (I have read that depending on the situation, gem scammers will come and talk to you about the safest place to buy Thai gems.)

5) On the way to the next tourist destination, we got taken to the same tailor shop that the guy had mentioned, although we had said nothing to him about it. (We saw one Red Shirt blockade where they waved and smiled at us. They seemed very friendly.)

6) They tried to pressure us into buying and using words like government authorized, etc.

7) We were taken to the next tailor shop which was a little bit more upscale, where our Tuk Tuk driver told us that he gets gas coupons for every shop that he goes to, so he said we could go in and look around for a few minutes then come back out. We consented, came out then he took us to another tourist site.

8) We told him no more tailor shops, so he said bargained with us for just one gem shop, which we didn’t mind, we had time to kill before the water fights and it was interesting to see Thailand at 100 miles an hour in a golf cart (Tuk Tuk)

9) We went to a very well-organized, nice looking gem export center where we were greeted by people in suits, given free drinks and convinced of the precious stones’ value and authenticity (usually low quality stones or colored glass). There were workers sitting in the front cutting the gems to show us. We didn’t buy anything.

(Start Mario-fighting-the-dragon-at-the-end music)

10) Then we were driven unwillingly to a tailor shop, where the salesperson waved us away (I don’t know why but he looked upset) then finally back to the castle.

11) As soon as we exited the tuktuk, birdseed materialized on my crossed arms and I turned to see Jen had 3 bags somehow, we were yelled at to feed the pigeons. Even knowing this was a money scam or take-my-purse-and-run scam, I was confused about what to do with the birdseed and stood there for a time. They wouldn’t accept the seeds back and dirty pigeons were flying everywhere. I left the birdseed on a gate by the pigeons. I would have refused to feed pigeons even if the birdseed was free!! Freaking pigeons, I hate them!

12) Then, we were approached by more scammers who said we didn’t have appropriate attire for the castle and wanted us to buy their long skirts. Although they were correct about our short-pants being inappropriate, we refused them and rented the free skirts that the castle provided.

13) I bargained down postcards from $9 to $1.50 and some bottles of water!! YAY, I mastered a skill to get out alive!

13) Game Over! We barely escaped! We made it to the Castle! (victory music)

Handkerchief god

There is a huge 10-foot poster, recently hung, that reads “Zero Handkerchiefs Forgotten”। One of the teachers is obsessed with handkerchiefs. Every morning he takes it upon himself to ask all the homeroom teachers how many students brought handkerchiefs to school. Then, when he goes around congratulating the teachers and creating a team atmosphere, where they say things like “We did it!” and give each other high 5’s. I have already talked about the immense chart that is hanging up in the school, depicting the amount of students bringing handkerchiefs to school. It’s sad to say, but my school isn’t the greatest at garnering prizes. Perhaps this is an attempt to create chances for the students to be good at something! Bring a handkerchief to school, and you’re an automatic winner. It’s that easy. It makes me want to create a chart for carrying water bottles to school. That way, everyone can be a double winner! But I have to admit; I have a handkerchief in my desk that I use to appease the Handkerchief god. I actually do use it, though, every time I wash my hands. Otherwise I would have to wipe my hands on my clothes or air dry them since there are no towels or hand dryers. I told the students that, in America, we don’t carry handkerchiefs around. WAHHHH! Their look of disbelief was mixed with disgust and fascination. It left me feeling quite gleeful. Yes, that’s right, I like to blow your minds. Take that accepted cultural norms!

Eel Pie

I am eating “Eel Pie – a snack for nights” right now. I am not kidding. It sounds disgusting, but it is so good. Contrary to their slimy, black, snake-like appearance, they are actually quite sweet. Kind of like some people that I know.

King of Pop

After the 2nd year girls finished their team dances, the principal went up to give a speech about it. He mentioned how he saw some definite Michael Jackson moves, and as the students gave their negative opinion, he looked at me to confirm that indeed I saw it too. Alas, I saw nothing Michael Jackson and everything J-Pop (Japanese Pop) style. I had to agree with the students. He just couldn’t understand the difference. But as I sat there, I reasoned to myself. One could say that Michael Jackson, being the King of Pop, introduced the concept of pop, as well as many dance/song elements still used today. So in that sense, all pop is indicative of Michael. Therefore, even J-pop has some Michael in it. As I came to this conclusion, the principal asked me again as we entered the teacher’s room, “Right, right? You saw it too.” “Hmm, yes”, I answered, “Just a little.” I am ok with attributing all pop to a legend. He must walk around seeing Michael Jackson everywhere J-Pop is, and you know, perhaps that’s how it should be.

Bread Crust

I really like bread ears. I especially like tearing the ears off my bread and dipping it in my soup. Yummy. I like it much more than I like corn ears. Bread ears sounds so much better in Japan that crust sounds in America. Give me a bread ear over a bread crust any day. Just thought you should know.

Survivor

Recently I was at a party, where all the Westerners were sitting around talking, and we didn’t even realize the two Japanese girls had taken the small circular cake and somehow managed to cut into 14 equal pieces. It was about an hour before we realized they were measuring sizes and comparing number of fruits on the cake. I pondered their reasoning in semi-shock, considering the depth of their sense of fairness. What is fair to you? I think fairness is a balance that does not equal sameness, but “levels the playing field” to create equality. I would take any piece that looked generally the same. But in Japan, fairness means exactitude. Everyone is more or less that same as far as background features and growing up. Students must have similar haircuts, uniforms, bags, shoes, gloves, etc etc. There is a chart to determine what students should look like. I am not kidding. There are many examples of what people would consider fair here. Children are taught in the same manner, no matter whether they are very smart or lived in an English-speaking country or are slow learners. It doesn’t matter; it must be fair. Teachers must switch schools every few years, to give everyone a chance with all good teachers. If someone fails a grade level, they move on anyway, because they had the same chance as everyone else. A teacher was forgotten in the food division at school lunchtime and 3 ran to get a bowl and wash it and ran around trying to make sure they got an equal share. In the classroom when one team wins, and gets a prize and the other team gets very upset because somehow it’s not fair to them. Why should only half the class win prizes when they all tried hard? A win for one side is a win for the other and that’s what they’re taught since kindergarten. All for One and One for All. When one person in the class doesn’t do their homework, the entire class has to write another page. So that’s how 127 million people survive on an island the size of California, with a population density near India’s (50% of the people live on 2% of the land). Try to be exactly fair in every way. Yes indeed, the nail that sticks out must get hammered down here, or there wouldn’t be enough room for the stuck-out nails. Sticking out would create an unhinged, unequal society. This small island chooses to survive through what is socially considered fair as they have for thousands of years. And they continue to do so, with 90% of the population in the middle class. Whether or not you choose to work hard or play hard, you are part of this society, and as such, you deserve an equal piece of cake. Hmm…I don’t necessarily agree…but, I don’t necessarily disagree with sharing my hard-won cake…Now that I think about it, 1% of America is eating 90% of the cake, so perhaps the Japanese sameness is the only way to ensure equality, starting with something as simple as splitting the fruit.

More Apples Please

I am officially an iWhore, or so Nico says, since I bought an iPhone this weekend. But you know what, I am proud to be an iWhore, if it means I can make movies with my Apple’s, download music, use Skype, free Japanese dictionaries, games, navigation and never-ending free applications. My iPhone can be my TV remote control, remote video player, violin tuner and basically anything small and electronic that I need. What can your phone do? I am sorry that Apple is so awesome and makes excellent products that everyone wants to buy. I am sorry that you’re against Steve Jobs, and Apple’s incompatibility with anything but itself. That’s how smart businesses work, buddy. I am sorry if you don’t want one of the best inventions ever, that is useful, lightweight, and inevitable. So stop being all anti-majority and be an iWhore and be proud of it, all you Nico-think-alikes. And by the way, Nico bought an iPhone the next day. And that’s that.

Japanese Soup

I have a cool idea. You know alphabet soup that kids used to use to remember the alphabet. Someone should make kanji soup so that we can play with it and make kanji combos. Or maybe hiragana/katakana soup so that we can play with that too. I think it’s a brilliant idea. Any takers?

Mondegreens

My favorite mondegreen of the day: let’s communicake! Yum, how about chocolate communicake and milk. Itadakimasu!

My name

Nico spells his name in kanji like this: 光日“にこ”. It means sunlight. I haven’t figured out how to spell my name, hmm, what do you think? I can’t decide on a story. My name is too long to have something easy like sunlight. I need to have a story with my name using the following phonetic definitions.

ka か
flower/mosquito
beautiful/excellent
fire

san　さん
3/mountain/childbirth
praise/tribute

do　ど
earth/dirt
great effort/diligent

ra　ら
naked/net/gauze/silk/compass

For example, my host sister came up with this story, [3 mosquitos on a mountain bit me because I was naked on the dirt.] I have to choose a story so I can choose the kanji character that I use:

I am diligently using a compass on fire mountain (I live in fire country). Lost as usual.
I am making a great effort to catch 3 mosquitoes with a net.
Beautiful flowers grew out of the earth and I tied them with silk.
A mosquito gave birth in the dirt and I crushed them with my compass. I had a beautiful childbirth on the earth and wrapped it in gauze.

Terrible Twos

I just taught 2 and 3 year olds today. Can they even talk? I wondered as I walked into the classroom. Apparently they can, quite well, like, they won't shutup. But I LOVED THEM for an hour. It was great. They are so entertained doing the same things over and over again. I don't know that they learned English but they had a blast and were able to follow directions well in a different language. I was like a huge stuffed animal for an hour. They wiped their faces all over me and jumped on me and poked/petted me everywhere. It was nice to come home, change my germ-infested clothes, and remember their cute little faces from far far away :)

Nico Wa Petto

Nico walked into my entrance area, where I have a large reed hanging from my wall, and asked me if I roll a lot of sushi with it. It took me awhile to catch that one. It does indeed look like a giant sushi roller. I forgot how humorous youngest children can be, no matter how old they are. It’s so hard to refuse this kid anything. Was I always this much of a pushover? But he’s my pet, I decided, and I really don’t mind at all. The fact that I don’t mind doing things I never would have done at home surprises me. So I wash his clothes, do the dishes and make him dinner and coffee. I hang up his rolled clothes he constantly tosses on my clean tatami mats and hang them up where I directed him. I ask him to make something, half-joking and half-wondering what he can make, where he beams and comes up with a peanut butter sandwich and some chips he conned me into buying. He wants to know where I keep all the snacks and we need more milk and Kool-aid and ice cream. But I am enjoying every second of it. I am excited to show him my mad cooking skills and watch him greedily chomp down every bit of food I make. How much bread can a person eat? I like badgering him into studying Japanese while knowing half the time he’s surfing the internet. Reminding him to take his shoes off at the door, making him learn to eat with chopsticks. Every night he gives me a report on how making friends is coming along and what he explored that day. I feel like a 10 year old with a puppy. Who knew that I could be domesticated? I never would have guessed in a million zillion years. Damn you, Japan!

Catch

Shizen. This word materializes out of the blue. It sounds familiar, but as I say it I am not sure what it means only that my brain came up with that word. Yes, they understood me! Nado. I am not sure at all, but my brain throws a ball at me again unexpectedly, so I catch it and run. Yes, again, wherever did I learn that?! Sometimes, it throws a soccer ball in a basketball game, or a baseball in a volleyball game. But it’s starting to throw them faster and more reliably without deep thought. Keep coming, words, I am finally off the bleachers and in the heat of the game!

NameTag

I walk into the anteroom, open my shoe cupboard and wonder, how many germs do my inside shoes pick up from touching my mud-ridden outside shoes? They touch the same surface everyday! As I step onto the “clean board”, I see a shoe cupboard nametag on the ground. Something…shi…ba….Ah! Hoshiba. Ground. I see the label staring up at me. Perfect label for the ground. But that’s not really what this name means. This name is a teacher that left recently. I don’t understand why or if she will be back. I didn’t really know her, except to watch perplexed as she became increasingly stressed, an enigma hidden by her frazzled hair, an influenza mask and bulky white coat. Can Home Economics really be so stressful? I start to walk away, but the nametag is forlorn, sitting there waiting. Who will remember it? Who even cares? Suddenly, I pick it up and stuff it in my pocket, half-surprised by the vehemence of my actions. I can’t allow it to stay where it is. No one’s name should be trampled on the ground. I consider this name throughout the day. Finally, I say goodbye and fervently wish it well. It’s no longer in my hands.

2010 and such

 Wow. I just realized it's 2010. When did that happen! I'm pretty sure everyone has it wrong. It is still 2008. Still the year that I left the US.  I'm still on 2008, even though I write 2010 on the blackboard at school, like I'm writing it as an example of what it would look like if it truly was 2010. But it's not, I tell you. It's not because there is no time here, no year, no date. Time is nothing but seasons now, winter yielding to spring yielding to summer and eventually that golden sip of fall. Time is immeasurable in anything but several months and years. I am static somehow. The world stopped and I am living in eternity now in this present moment. I always knew measuring time was a gimmick. I told you so many many times, remember? It's all in your head, I told everyone who would listen. But now it's not in mine and I want it back in there. How did it come out?

I didn't see a ball drop for two years. I didn't sing Auld Lang Syne. I didn't hear fireworks or drink champagne. I didn't kiss people or feel the shivering crowd bellow in excitement. There were no annoying horns or cheap plastic cups on floors or colored confetti.

Therefore, it didn't happen. 2010 is in your world. I will have to go back to your world someday, but for now, New Year's decided to take a hiatus.

Dancing Pandas

Foreigner wanna-be’s who used to be foreign before they were in Japan for half their life and now act crazy on TV PISS ME OFF. They are called dancing pandas because they cater to the foreigner stereotype in Japan, loud, cute, entertaining and semi-ridiculous. Where do they find these people? They definitely don’t have Western mannerisms or words, hyper-active and strange. There are some major ones that are ALWAYS on TV and I am finally angry enough to research who they are after watching them act like lunatics and pass it off as Western. According to my research, this foreign prototype makes people comfortable about foreigners. Dave Spector came here in 1983. Thane Camus practically grew up here. I don’t know why these foreigners who have lived in Japan for the past like 100 years think they can represent something that they’re not. How long does it take for you to live in a foreign country before you give up your cultural pride and sell out for the Almighty Yen?! I pictured all ex-pats as a national graveyard, filled with ghosts of pop culture’s dead past, popping up to scare everyone with a gory imitation of what they once were.
Then, I met a crowd of true ex-pats in Tokyo. A family friend has been living in Tokyo for about 20 years now and Jen and I went to visit him. I fully expected everyone to have adapted to the mannerisms of the TV gaijin. Not so. Surprisingly, not so. I have come to the conclusion that no matter how long you live in a foreign country, you don’t ever lose where you’re from; it’s not as easy as losing keys. You can only give parts of yourself up directly and by choice. I am so relieved. I refuse to become a national graveyard or to dance on other’s self-made ones. In the words of Pink, I am not here for your entertainment.

1 year old Blanket

Oh man, good story. So LAST November, I took a blanket to this dry cleaner by my apt. I waited for a phone call to tell me it was done, and it never came...or so I thought. I came to the town office one day and they told me that the owner had called me, been to my house and finally had called them to find out if they knew who I was. I can’t believe he called the town office to find me, that’s either the best customer service EVER or really creepy. Considering that this is Japan, and the post office man came to my house last year to deliver like 800 yen ($8) in change and a free towel to me, I would say it’s just Japanese customer service. Anyhow, he said I could come get the blanket whenever. I took whenever to mean literally, whenever. I was really sick ALOT last year if you remember. I mean really sick, like I came home and didn’t want to move, I was so frozen. Anyhow, so a couple weeks past, and then a month past and then I was too embarrassed to go get it. I mean, what if he already threw it away, and then I couldn’t communicate, then I would have to call the town office to tell them I waited a month to get my blanket. Then, another month passed and I dreaded going near the place because I was afraid he would find me and make me take my blanket home and it was too embarrassing. So I eventually forgot about it within the year and hoped they would too. A couple weeks ago, he came to the town office and said he STILL has my blanket and wanted to know if I was cold and if I wanted it. I was like OMG I cannot believe he kept my blanket for a year!!! WHAT!? I went and got it from the store just in time for my friend Sarah’s visit this December. The plastic was dusty and a little torn, but the blanket was perfect! I would definitely have to say that Japan’s customer service is unparalleled.

At the Casa